I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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