I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
