i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize