alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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