chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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