before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
