Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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