Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
