I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
