What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
