Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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