I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
