There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize