i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
