i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
