I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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