My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
