Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
