epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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