I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
