my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
