i just wanna soil my oats bro
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
