My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
