Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
