I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
