I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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