remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
