glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
