I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
