I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
