If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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