I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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