I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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