You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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