How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
