She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
