she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
