I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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