There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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