FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
