im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
