I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
