you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
