According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
