I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
