I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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