my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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