I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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