today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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