just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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