Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
