Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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