We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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