now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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