Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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